Not what but who

Frustrating that my brain starts asking questions my fingers want to answer while I’m sitting in a doctor’s office waiting to be seen with only my tablet and not a keyboard in sight. I hate trying to swipe my thoughts onto a screen. It feels wrong. But when the call comes, I answer. 

I’ve been on a writing hiatus lately because of my off my mood meds journey. I’ve been going through drug withdrawal which looks like pain in every inch of my body, exhaustion, restlessness, constant headaches, empty brain, sporadic waves of small emotion, and a complete lack of fucks to give. It’s been unpleasant but not horrible. 

I’m waiting for this shit to be over so I can find myself again. 

I’ve found myself before and find myself a little more each day because “life isn’t a destination, it’s a journey”. What I searched for when is younger was what I believed  (see my post My Freedom From Religion for more on that story). What I’m looking for now is who I am. 

Am I happy, chatty, funny, optimistic and loving? I have been. 

Am I somber, pensive, serious and logical? I’ve been that too. 

Am I assertive, ambitious, motivated, and determined? I hope to be again. 

Am I empathetic? Am I kind? Am I patient? Am I easy going?  Am I fun loving? Am I creative? 

I don’t know. All of these words described me to a certain extent. But that’s when I’ve been on my medications. Am I these things when I’m not medicated and if so, how much? 

So far I’ve just felt empty still. With flashes of something every once in a while. A flash of laughter. A drip of nostalgia. A splash of anger. A drop of love. All fleeting. All soon replaced with emptiness. 

Is this what everyone else feels like? A endless ocean of blah, that recieves a drop of colorful emotion and immediately absorbs it as if it never were? 

Or is this still my drug hangover. Will I become more the longer I wait? Or is this all I should expect. 

Waiting is all I can really do. Wait and see. Wait and feel. 

But how long will it take? And when will I know for sure?