Editor Fall Out

For the last 36 days, my life has been kind of a mess. I’ve had a flicker of inspiration that  I tried to keep alive. When I had words, I pored them all into my screenplay. I was sick a lot and there were many days that I had no words at all. I’ve watched a lot of TV and movies in the last month. When I was tired and empty but felt productive I focused on my other creative outlet, crochet. Yes, I’m 35 and I crochet. I’ve been making a grannie square afghan for over a year and I’m a few rows from being finished. That at least gave me a sense of accomplishment. The last thing that has filled my days has been trying to find a new home for my family. It’s been very hard and very discouraging. There might be places in the U.S. where I can get a two bedroom apartment (we should really have a 3 bedroom, one for each kid) in a good school zone for $800 a month but it’s certainly not anywhere in fucking Utah. We’re planning on leaving Utah soon but can’t yet. More on that another day.

So it’s been a rough month. I have been sick a lot. There have been more days than I can count that I didn’t get out of bed. My pain has been terrible, I’ve been exhausted without relief and mostly in despair with small glimpses of hope and at the very most, okayness. Once in a while I would have days that weren’t just complete shit.

At the end of May, I’d done so much work on my screenplay that it stood at 90 pages. It’s almost done. But there was still some stuff missing and no matter what angle I looked at it, I couldn’t figure out what it was. So I turned to my editor.

Continue reading

I’m pissed, let’s have a beer.

I have been angry all day today.

I can’t say I didn’t have some reason to wake up angry. Waking up moist from your son sleeping with you in a very wet diaper because your husband didn’t change him before bed, would probably make anyone a bit testy. I mean it’s pretty gross and really uncomfortable. But it usually doesn’t bother me for very long. So that’s not why.

I have never been a very angry person. I’m more, temperamentally, what you’d call chill, or easy going.  I went 28 years without ever saying the words “I am mad”. I will admit, for a very long time I was non-confrontational but a big part of the reason why was because I don’t get mad very often.

Continue reading

Aside

Lalaland: Depressed

I just watched Lalaland for the first time. 

This is not a review of the movie but a review of myself through the medium of the movie. 

I’m not sure I liked it. 

I watched it partially from an analytical viewpoint to process the screenplay and compare it with what I’m learning. That might have taken some magic out of it. 

I discerned from watching the movie, that I am still kind of cranky. I wasn’t awed by its beauty. I wasn’t swept away by the whimsy. I usually would be.  I wasn’t overcome all nostalgic for a throwback to a period of musicals I watched and loved growing up. I usually would be. I didn’t find either Ryan Gosling or Emma Stone attractive. I usually would do. I was hardly excited at all when Emma’s character was from Boulder City Nevada, where my grandmother lived and I spent most of my childhood holidays. I’ll be excited about it later, maybe. 

So all is still not right in my mental world. I’m doing better but I haven’t gotten my equilibrium back yet. This no mood medication journey I’m on is definitely a struggle. But I’ve been through worse. 

I’d  really like to enjoy things again. That’d be super nice. Is that too much to ask for? 

That being said the acting was great and the music was cool. 

I’ll watch it again when I’m happy. Maybe I’ll like it then. 

Motivation is a panic inducing bitch.

I’m feeling panicky today.

Not so much anxious as restless.

If I’m sitting, I should be standing. If I’m laying down, I should be walking around. If I’m watching a TV show, I need to be doing something else too. If I’m not doing anything, I should be writing.

It’s not anxiety it’s fear of missing out induced panic.

Continue reading

My No Med Journey

EDITED AND REBLOGGED FROM MARCH

I haven’t felt like myself this year.

After missing one of my medications for a little while, I noticed some changes. After missing a different medication for a little while, I noticed additional changes.

Then I stopped taking three of my medications. I’ve stopped my anti-depressant, my mood stabilizer and the hardcore sleep medication I take for Narcolepsy. (Just on that note, I’ve been sleeping better off the Xyrem! I think I developed a tolerance)

I’ve been off the mood meds for 2 and 3 weeks. This might sound dangerous but while I initially made these choices subconsciously, there is a good reason for it.

Continue reading