Balance

Don’t let the 48 minute run time scare you. That is in fact, one of the greatest attributes of this video. It is 48 beautiful, inspiring, thought provoking minutes of… Well, I was going to call him my muse again, which he very much is, but I think the more accurate word right now is hero. It is 48 minutes of Wentworth Miller, intelligent, articulate and incredibly frank, discussing mental health and illness stigma, artistic and personal integrity, fighting against self-imposed perfectionism, self-care, and self-speak.

I have watched it twice now. The first time was when I was glutting myself on everything I could find on W. When I was depressed and he was my lifesaver.

The second time was yesterday. The semi-autobiographical screenplay I’m writing takes me back to a dark place. Darker than I remember it being. I’ve blotted a lot of it out. It takes me back to a place blackened by words such as infidelity, abuse, isolation, gaslighting, heartbreak, divorce, depression, and suicidal ideation.

In the end, the screenplay is triumphant in tone but it starts out tragically and I severely underestimated how much revisiting I would have to do to make it believable on the page. It’s been difficult to submerge myself back into that black, black part of my life and yesterday, after a particularly productive writing binge, I knew I needed to stop. I could have continued vomiting soul out onto my keyboard but I knew, I felt, that I was getting too deep. So I stopped.

When I thought about what kind of self-care it was that I needed right then, that video, the Oxford Union interview popped right into my head. And it was perfect. It helped me settle back into the present. It helped soothe my aching soul, in a way that I was learning again how to care for and appreciate myself in the way that I should.

If you’re reading this, do me a favor. Don’t like or comment or share (unless you’re down for more than one favor).  Take a moment (48 moments actually) and watch the video. Contribute to your own self-care. I guarantee you, you’ll find something in it yourself.

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