I have been angry all day today.
I can’t say I didn’t have some reason to wake up angry. Waking up moist from your son sleeping with you in a very wet diaper because your husband didn’t change him before bed, would probably make anyone a bit testy. I mean it’s pretty gross and really uncomfortable. But it usually doesn’t bother me for very long. So that’s not why.
I have never been a very angry person. I’m more, temperamentally, what you’d call chill, or easy going. I went 28 years without ever saying the words “I am mad”. I will admit, for a very long time I was non-confrontational but a big part of the reason why was because I don’t get mad very often.
Aside from sibling spats, which hardly count, and a couple of confrontations as an adult, I haven’t really gotten angry enough to get into fights. When I do get mad for a real reason, I wait to calm down and then talk to the person about what upset me, if it will do any good.
Having Bipolar Disorder I am used to having what I call inorganic moods. Organic being a mood caused by something happening in my life. A real emotion. Inorganic moods are the ones where I’m sad but there’s no reason other than the random brain lottery of the day. Having this differential helps me understand my emotional state and keep track of how my disorder is affecting me.
So today, I have been inorganically angry. Fucking pissed off. All day. It’s not something that has really happened before to this extent. I’ve been irritable sure. I’ve been impatient and even, occasionally, short tempered. But to be this angry for no justifiable reason, hasn’t happened in years and years.
I fucking angry cleaned. I’ve never done that. I thought it was a myth invented by TV and movies because I’ve never come close to angry cleaning before.
See, the thing is, I know what to do when I’m organically angry. I find the problem, I calm down, I think about the problem, and then I do my best to fix it. What the hell else are you going to do?
But I don’t know what to do with this inorganic rage. There’s no reason for it. There is nothing to fix. I have no established outlet because this has never fucking happened before. I have no container to put this anger in. I have no way of letting it out.
I am not practiced at being angry. I don’t know what to do.
Got any suggestions?
Right now, I’m thinking a beer and a movie.