Dead tired but GotGVol2! 

I had two great and busy days and then today I died. 

I’ve spent 98% of today curled in a ball with some variety of words in front of my face. 

Just so tired. And braindead. 

The previous two days were good. I wrote new scenes both days. (Progress!)  I didn’t hate everyone. I actually did things. I even left the house. 

I went to Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 last night and it was fucking perfection as I expected. I was of course wearing a Star Wars shirt for May the Fourth. I kind of felt like I was cheating but it was worth it. 

Vol 2 had one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time as kind of a minor theme and I was stoked beyond belief. 

Those movies give me life. 

I’m out of words now. Off to bed. 

Running a marathon in bed

I’m having a shitty health day. 

I slept from 10pm to 2pm. I’m still tired. 

When I woke up, I tried to stretch my legs. Still laying down, just moved my legs, and my heart rate jumped to 120.

Fuck. I knew right then nothing is getting done today. 

For days like today, I keep bottles of water and granola bars by my bed. I get up to go to the bathroom and then I go right back to bed. Laying down. Sitting up makes my heart work too hard. 

When I stand to go to the bathroom, it’s 50/50 I’ll pass out because my heart rate jumps to somewhere around 160 and my blood pressure plummets. So I stand slowly, leaning over on the bed for at least a minute so my heart and blood pressure can even out a little. Just enough so I don’t pass out and get another concussion. The whole thing is exhausting.

Just sitting/standing up can feel like I’ve run a marathon. 

Just writing this has triggered a headache. So I’m having a sick day today.  

I’m pissed, let’s have a beer.

I have been angry all day today.

I can’t say I didn’t have some reason to wake up angry. Waking up moist from your son sleeping with you in a very wet diaper because your husband didn’t change him before bed, would probably make anyone a bit testy. I mean it’s pretty gross and really uncomfortable. But it usually doesn’t bother me for very long. So that’s not why.

I have never been a very angry person. I’m more, temperamentally, what you’d call chill, or easy going.  I went 28 years without ever saying the words “I am mad”. I will admit, for a very long time I was non-confrontational but a big part of the reason why was because I don’t get mad very often.

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Aside

Lalaland: Depressed

I just watched Lalaland for the first time. 

This is not a review of the movie but a review of myself through the medium of the movie. 

I’m not sure I liked it. 

I watched it partially from an analytical viewpoint to process the screenplay and compare it with what I’m learning. That might have taken some magic out of it. 

I discerned from watching the movie, that I am still kind of cranky. I wasn’t awed by its beauty. I wasn’t swept away by the whimsy. I usually would be.  I wasn’t overcome all nostalgic for a throwback to a period of musicals I watched and loved growing up. I usually would be. I didn’t find either Ryan Gosling or Emma Stone attractive. I usually would do. I was hardly excited at all when Emma’s character was from Boulder City Nevada, where my grandmother lived and I spent most of my childhood holidays. I’ll be excited about it later, maybe. 

So all is still not right in my mental world. I’m doing better but I haven’t gotten my equilibrium back yet. This no mood medication journey I’m on is definitely a struggle. But I’ve been through worse. 

I’d  really like to enjoy things again. That’d be super nice. Is that too much to ask for? 

That being said the acting was great and the music was cool. 

I’ll watch it again when I’m happy. Maybe I’ll like it then. 

Motivation is a panic inducing bitch.

I’m feeling panicky today.

Not so much anxious as restless.

If I’m sitting, I should be standing. If I’m laying down, I should be walking around. If I’m watching a TV show, I need to be doing something else too. If I’m not doing anything, I should be writing.

It’s not anxiety it’s fear of missing out induced panic.

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Aside

I can’t come up with a clever title today

I feel terrible today. 

I’m tired and sore. 

I’m moving about a foot and a half a minute. When I’m lucky enough to be standing. 

My brain is tired and keeps urging me to curl up into a tiny ball on my bed covered with a fuzzy blanket and watch just ridiculously mindless TV until I can close my eyes and sleep at a not completely unreasonable early bed time. 

I am not doing this. 

I am laying on my couch half covered by an afghan trying to accomplish my goal of writing something everyday. 

I tend to write on days I feel okay about the days when I feel terrible. I don’t think this is what I should do. 

I need/want to push past the fuzz in my brain and the weight of my eyes. To shake off the leadenness * of my limbs and bend the pain sore joints of my fingers to form the words tumbling around in my head. 

On days like this I imagine my brain as a dark foggy gray forest running up to tall black jagged cliffs and thrashing crashing ocean.* Everything is just gray. And loud and heavy. And focusing on any one thing feels impossible. 

Pulling words out of this sort of brain is difficult. 

I have gone as far as I can today. Until tomorrow then. 
* I think I’m going to start keeping track of words I make up. But definitely not today. 

* Like this but not as pretty.

Musings on the job at hand – Logline

So I started a blog but then my computer froze and I kind of don’t feel like writing that one anymore. I’m not sure what I feel like writing now.

I have approximately 25 minutes left sitting here in this mcdonalds while my son plays and my husband is at his own therapy appointment.

I told myself I have to write everyday. But whether that be on the blog, in a journal I have yet to start, as free writes or actually on my screenplay is up to my mood that day.

Having written that, I’ve decided what it is I’m going to write.

The dreaded log line. Or one line. The one to two sentence summary that from what I read can kill your screenplay if it sucks and can get a producer pretty excited if it’s good enough.

I have started reading Save the Cat because it seems that trying to write a screenplay without reading that book is basically just giving up. The first chapter is all about the log line. The author basically says, if you can’t write your log line, then there is something wrong with your screenplay and you need to fix it.

I have several ideas as far as screenplays go but for right now, I’m starting on the big one. The first one. The one I was inspired to write when inspiration struck me for the first time in 5 years. It’s based on one year in my life. Not the worst or even the most eventful but the most literary or cinematic for sure.

I have written log lines already for the next screenplays I plan on writing. But I’m stuck on the current one. I have about 70% of it written and even pretty polished. There’s a chunk in the middle that I hadn’t finished fleshing out before I had to hiatus myself due to my mental and emotional incapacity that’s taken over my life the last two months.

So I’m trying to write my log line. But I’m having a hard time compressing the complicated themes and plot into two intriquing sentences. I’ve got some work to do. Maybe I should just keep writing and hope it’ll come to me. I’d rather not waste anymore time.