Explanation of a life

I have been questioning what it is I’m doing here on a blog for the last couple of days. 

What started as an outlet for my (usually) ever changing moods due to my rapid cycling bipolar disorder has become a mishmash of me talking about my life, my pain and my writing. 

Am I allowed to have a blog that doesn’t have a one track mind? 

I just read a blog post by Alex Press (I’d reblog it but I’m not sure the proper etiquette and lack the know how at the moment)  so I’ll just put the link here

It was written by a woman who is sick, like me, with migraines and and brain damage and heart issues (oh my), like me. She also writes despite these things, like me. 

She’s an inspiration and I love following her blog. 

So thinking about what it is I’m here to do, what it is I’m hear to say, it came to me again. 

I’m here to explain myself, to myself and to others who might be interested in understanding or learning about what it’s like to live in my shoes. 

I’m here to give my life structure and form, instead of living everyday without some sort of record of the life I’m living.

 To put myself, my life, my mind, and my atheist stand in for a soul into words. To sum up my life. So I can give it further value than it currently has. 

Explaining is not complaining. 

Sometimes when the pain is too much, when the act of writing about myself seems too presumptuous and narcissistic, I wonder to myself, am I just here to complain about this life that I have? 

Today, I think not. I am still explaining to the world who I am. I can write about my pain without it being a whimper.

 And if on occasion, a whimper is all I have, I accept that as a part of who I am. 


I feel my creativity flow like a sponge caught in the ebb and flow of the ocean tide. 

One day I am awash with ideas and visions bubbling inside me like ocean foam lapping on the beach. When I’ve reached my capacity, I overflow and can no longer contain the torrent of my imagination and I focus my efforts to create something new and beautiful.  I am swept away by the tug of the words, and every creative drop is purged from me. 

I am left stranded and empty on the dry sand of the beach, scorched to a husk by the beating sun, wordless and visionless. Unable to think or create, I am empty and in need of the flood of inspiration that moves me to write and the desperation to have my voice heard. I suck in every bit of stimulation, absorbing every spark of ingenuity I can find to fuel the creativity that will come once again with the tide. 

And suddenly it’s there again, the wave of brilliance and exuberance that compels me to disgorge my thoughts, my voice, and my art into the world. 

I want to be heard. The tide demands it. 

Editor Fall Out

For the last 36 days, my life has been kind of a mess. I’ve had a flicker of inspiration that  I tried to keep alive. When I had words, I pored them all into my screenplay. I was sick a lot and there were many days that I had no words at all. I’ve watched a lot of TV and movies in the last month. When I was tired and empty but felt productive I focused on my other creative outlet, crochet. Yes, I’m 35 and I crochet. I’ve been making a grannie square afghan for over a year and I’m a few rows from being finished. That at least gave me a sense of accomplishment. The last thing that has filled my days has been trying to find a new home for my family. It’s been very hard and very discouraging. There might be places in the U.S. where I can get a two bedroom apartment (we should really have a 3 bedroom, one for each kid) in a good school zone for $800 a month but it’s certainly not anywhere in fucking Utah. We’re planning on leaving Utah soon but can’t yet. More on that another day.

So it’s been a rough month. I have been sick a lot. There have been more days than I can count that I didn’t get out of bed. My pain has been terrible, I’ve been exhausted without relief and mostly in despair with small glimpses of hope and at the very most, okayness. Once in a while I would have days that weren’t just complete shit.

At the end of May, I’d done so much work on my screenplay that it stood at 90 pages. It’s almost done. But there was still some stuff missing and no matter what angle I looked at it, I couldn’t figure out what it was. So I turned to my editor.

Continue reading

Dead tired but GotGVol2! 

I had two great and busy days and then today I died. 

I’ve spent 98% of today curled in a ball with some variety of words in front of my face. 

Just so tired. And braindead. 

The previous two days were good. I wrote new scenes both days. (Progress!)  I didn’t hate everyone. I actually did things. I even left the house. 

I went to Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 last night and it was fucking perfection as I expected. I was of course wearing a Star Wars shirt for May the Fourth. I kind of felt like I was cheating but it was worth it. 

Vol 2 had one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time as kind of a minor theme and I was stoked beyond belief. 

Those movies give me life. 

I’m out of words now. Off to bed. 

Musings on the job at hand – Logline

So I started a blog but then my computer froze and I kind of don’t feel like writing that one anymore. I’m not sure what I feel like writing now.

I have approximately 25 minutes left sitting here in this mcdonalds while my son plays and my husband is at his own therapy appointment.

I told myself I have to write everyday. But whether that be on the blog, in a journal I have yet to start, as free writes or actually on my screenplay is up to my mood that day.

Having written that, I’ve decided what it is I’m going to write.

The dreaded log line. Or one line. The one to two sentence summary that from what I read can kill your screenplay if it sucks and can get a producer pretty excited if it’s good enough.

I have started reading Save the Cat because it seems that trying to write a screenplay without reading that book is basically just giving up. The first chapter is all about the log line. The author basically says, if you can’t write your log line, then there is something wrong with your screenplay and you need to fix it.

I have several ideas as far as screenplays go but for right now, I’m starting on the big one. The first one. The one I was inspired to write when inspiration struck me for the first time in 5 years. It’s based on one year in my life. Not the worst or even the most eventful but the most literary or cinematic for sure.

I have written log lines already for the next screenplays I plan on writing. But I’m stuck on the current one. I have about 70% of it written and even pretty polished. There’s a chunk in the middle that I hadn’t finished fleshing out before I had to hiatus myself due to my mental and emotional incapacity that’s taken over my life the last two months.

So I’m trying to write my log line. But I’m having a hard time compressing the complicated themes and plot into two intriquing sentences. I’ve got some work to do. Maybe I should just keep writing and hope it’ll come to me. I’d rather not waste anymore time.