A question for you (yes, you)

I am tired of writing/whining/thinking/worrying/living in the current moment. Things are not good for me right now and I’m sick of it.

I need an escape.

I have several essay topics waiting for me to write them. I don’t know which one to do next. Also since I’m a fairly new blogger, I’m not sure what it is you want to hear from me.

So I’ll let you decide. I’ll list the topics and you pick which one you want to read about.

The topics are (for some reason I had a drum roll playing in my head while I typed that)

-How I rebel in little ways

-Not like other girls (or real feminism)

-The House Fire

-My two ex-husbands (Yes even writing about this topic would be better than thinking about the right now)

-Resident Evil and Feminism

-Living in Utah

-Why we live with my in laws (not so off topic but it might help)

-A summary and excerpt of my screenplay based on a year in my life

-Freedom from Should

If you have anything in particular you’d like me to write about, let me know!

What do you want to read about? Please comment and help me out!

On and off again 

Saturday I sacrificed my energy, my creativity and my pain free day on the alter of good mom-hood. I took my kids to the pool. Which involved me staying 2 feet from my 3 year old and 5 feet from my 8 year old at all times. It was far more exhausting than I expected. I spent the rest of the day watching mindless TV, too tired to even fidget. 

The last two days have been an odd mix of brain dead and inspired. At dinner last night I stumbled over my words and my sentences were word salad but I wrote a brilliant scene for my screenplay immediately after. I wrote the above paragraph and then spent 5 minutes staring dazedly at the screen, my mind a complete blank. 

I feel like my mind is a dryer, in the cycle where it keeps clothes from getting wrinkled. It spins with brilliant activity and creativity and then suddenly, randomly and without warning, everything stops and is still and lifeless. 

Essay – Acquired Shyness

I am an introvert, of that I am absolutely certain.

Solitude is absolutely necessary for my survival. I need physical separation from all living humans beings just to keep my sanity. that is what an introvert is.

The thing is while I have always been an introvert, I haven’t always been shy. I didn’t always suffer from the desire to be invisible. That part of my personality was acquired.

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Not doing

So much of my time is spent trying to decide what to do. 

How’s my brain today? 

How’s my pain today? 

Can I walk without my hip popping out of joint? 

Do I have words to say or an empty brain space to fill? 

How is my mood? 

Do I hate everyone or can I tolerate some conversation? 

Do I have errands?

Do I care that I have errands? 

I’ve spent so much time and effort assessing my status that I just go lay back down. 

And then, when I’m not so tired, I do the whole thing over again. 

Even thinking about doing stuff is exhausting. 

I’m too tired today. 

Hello! And Thank You!

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to write blogs like this, it feels maybe to self-aware or too self absorbed.

In any case, I’ll get right to it.

People are reading my blog.

I’m serious. This week I’ve gotten a lot more views and while I’m stoked about it, I have to admit having written so many posts that had heretofore gone unread, it is a bit startling and sudden.

(Did you read how I historically like to pretend I’m invisible? Not so conducive to blogging to be honest.)

I don’t know who it is but someone from Germany seems to have read every single post I’ve written.  That’s amazing!

And dedicated, I must say. I don’t think they’ve liked anything but I’m still not real good at reading stats yet. But as far as I can tell they remain anonymous.

I would like to say Hello! to my mysterious German reader and to all of my old and new readers, and thank you for being here!

I will try my best not to run away and hide! I promise!