Staring at giraffes


For a long time, I’ve used two categories (among others, of course) to classify people, to better understand how they function and the purpose toward which they use things in their lives.

Uppers vs. Downers

To me this actually references recreational drug use in a parenthetical way, something I’ve never been particularly interested in. But there’s a type of drug that has always been peripheral in my life, through no fault of my own.

I was born on April 20th.

Now if that date jars any thoughts in your head, you’re probably thinking

“Hey, that’s Hitler’s birthday!”


“Hey, 420. Sweet man.”

Or some version of the same.

I’ve been hearing it my entire life. Anytime someone finds out when my birthday is, it is normally some variety of the 420 marijuana connection that is brought up.

It doesn’t bother me really, it’s just kind of a shame that I have no interest in marijuana because it does nothing for me. Because I am already a downer.

Now, be it due to metabolism, brain function, personality type or zodiac sign (hint. it’s not the last one) people seem to cover a spectrum of how quickly their lives or frequencies vibrate.

I’ve always been mellow. Super chill. No stress, no anxiety. No hurry.

And on top of this general mellowness, I have regular episodes of depression and I have narcolepsy so my body is constantly trying to get me to fall asleep.

The few times I have tried marijuana even the slightest bit mellowed me right into the floor. I was basically a vegetable. Not so much fun for me.

And that’s why I’ve spent my whole life chasing uppers. Fast music, fast driving, fast sex, anything to get the blood pumping and that rush of adrenaline that finally wakes me up.

For this reason I’ve specifically avoided actual uppers, because adding in my mental health issues and my obsessive nature, taking speed was the last thing I needed.

I don’t think being an upper or a downer (in this sense) is something most people think about. Maybe most people aren’t as far over to one end of the spectrum as I am, so it doesn’t matter as much.

To me, it plays a huge part of who I am. Most of the things I like or dislike can be traced back to whether it wakes me up or not.

There are entire genres of music I can’t listen to (R&B, new age, most folk music) because even when I try I barely get through 2 songs before I’m passed out.

Same with movies. When I watch dramas, they are usually war movies or thrillers. Something with action or suspense. When I watch romantic movies, they are always of the comedic type. Some humor to snag my brain and light it up. My all time favorite type of movie is Romantic Action Comedy. Those are rare, my friend. And delightful. And it’s because they have the right momentum to get me going, so I’m awake.

There are activities that I don’t like to do because I have a hard time staying awake enough to concentrate on them.

For example, I don’t like walking around zoos. How could I fall asleep walking at a zoo, you ask?

Well, it’s not quite falling asleep. It’s more, that there is so little stimulation to my brain, that it just kind of shuts down, and then doesn’t accept anymore stimulation anyway. So if I look at a giraffe for too long, my brains like Nah, I’m gonna nap now, and then it’s like I’m not looking at a giraffe anyway.

I don’t have this problem walking around gardens or parks. And if I could walk right by the animals after a quick glance, I’d probably be okay at the zoo. But that’s not really what the zoo is for. Also, all the caged animals make me super sad.

Actually, fuck zoos.

Simply by my nature, I have always been the chillest, mellowest of the dudes.

So acquiring anxiety in my 30s totally sucks.

Because it doesn’t change any of the physical or mental traits that have always made me mellow.

It just fights with them.

So now I get panic attacks where I have to hide under blankets in dark corners of my room. Or curl up in small dark closets.

And I don’t like it.

And just like that, I’ve run out of words. Until next time I guess.





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