What depression feels like

I was going to start out slowly with a lot of my personal history and get to the details later but this is what I have on my mind today.

Bipolar Disorder, specifically the depressed aspect of it, is very physical and that is not a commonly understood fact. Some think that depression is merely being sad. Here’s the truth.

Due to circumstances beyond my control (ie. insurance and doctory prescription problems) I had been off all of my medications for 2 months. I have recently restarted them and am in week 2 of my antidepressant, antidepressant, and mood stabilizer regimen. This is what those 2 months were like. I slept fitfully 12 to 16 hours a day. When I was awake, I, very literally, couldn’t do anything. I sat on the couch and I watched tv shows that I had absolutely no interest in because I hated everything. I didn’t play with my children because I had none of the time, interest or energy for it. I barely ate and became physically ill if I forced myself. My body was sore and achy and all I wanted to do was wrap myself up like a burrito and never have to move again. Depression is not merely a mood problem. It affects your entire body and every aspect of your life. I don’t like when people say “I have depression” because it’s not something you own. It is something that owns you. I suffer from depression but I also fight it every minute of every day of my life. Some days are better than others, and some days are great.

Like today. Because my medications are starting to kick in, today I woke up at 7:00 AM to do my daughter’s hair for school. I did not go back to bed afterward. When I put my son down for a nap today, I did not nap with him. After school we went to a corn maze and pumpkin patch and even though I had to find a seat quite often, I made it through the whole activity. When I got my son into his pajamas for bedtime I blubbered his belly and we giggled together. Laughter is something you learn to appreciate when you suffer from depression. I didn’t laugh for 2 months and it feels great to be able to laugh again. Though simple, today was a very good day.


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