There has been a new character poking it’s head out of the bushes of my mind in recent days. I know it’s name. It’s not one I’m comfortable thinking about and it’s taking all of my strength to type the following word.
I’ve been living with Bipolar Disorder my entire life and with knowledge of it for 16 years. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my moods and mental state are not always reliable and trustworthy. That doesn’t mean I’m crazy. I have a mental disorder. But I’m sane.
So whenever I was asked if I ever experienced hallucinations or delusions – of course not. I knew that sometimes they can be part of Bipolar Disorder but not mine. Not MY sort of bipolar. I’m not crazy. How easy it was for me to draw that line in the sand where I decided sanity ends and insanity begins. To be inclusive of the mentally ill like me but not “those others”.
Of course, all of this was subconscious, and I didn’t even realize I had this bias until very recently.
I’ve been continuing on my nomedjourney for the third month, trying to see through to what I’ve been underneath all my antidepressants and mood stabilizers.
I’ve been in a lot of pain. I’ve been very irritated. I’ve been uninspired and restless. And recently, I’ve been very focused on something that I think can ease my pain. Even though it can’t. I won’t go into details because this is a very tender topic for me. I’m just starting to clean this new wound.
I have these thoughts that my happiness is dependent on this thing. That it can fix what’s broken in me. This far off impossible thing is the answer to all of my problems. That if I just had access to it, all the crap would be better. And not only that, I am equally important and valuable to this thing. I can make this thing better. It needs me just like I need it.
But none of that is true. It’s completely irrational. I know it is.
But these thoughts bubble up in my brain and my brain says “huh, that’s so interesting” like it’s not big deal before waking up and saying “What the fuck, self? That thought made no sense and has no ties to the world we live in.”
My brain slaps itself back to reality.
Now I’m not sure how this sounds. Do I sound crazy? Or do I sound like I’m making a mountain out of mole hill?
I’m not sure. I do know that I am safe. That this thing is safe. I will not hurt myself or anyone/anything else.
But I do believe that I am caught in/creating some sort of delusion. And that by itself is pretty terrifying.
Am I crazy now? Or do I get the benefit of moving the goal post now that I can tick the box of delusion?
This is a work in progress. A terrifying work in progress.
I’m still at this very second, resisting the urge to delete, delete, delete.
But I’ll keep this as I’ve typed it. This is what I’m here for. To face my reality, talk about it, figure out what comes next and hopefully find a bit of community along the way.
I thought I’d come so far in terms of being able to discuss mental wellness. That I’d overcome all the keep-it-to-yourself hurdles erected during my childhood. But it turns out I’m not nearly as open and brave as I thought I was.