Unapologetic Bitch Face

From what I’ve been told, I’m not the most approachable person at the best of times.

And today I am cranky as fuck.

I can feel the utter distain radiating from my face.

And that wouldn’t normally be a problem. Usually the only recipient of my glare is my laptop or my TV.

But right now, I am sitting in the waiting room of the rec center where my daughter is having ballet lessons surrounded by Ballet Moms.

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bonus bliss

I know exactly what it is that I would have missed had any of my suicide attempts proven fatal.

They are moments that sprouted despite the harsh cold winters of my death wish and the constant shadow of my depression.

These are moments that I cherish. That I am grateful for every single day.

They are the bonus footage on the DVD of my life. I did not expect them.

In fact I thought they’d never come. And because of this, they are all the sweeter.


Why I am here.

I feel at times like an extraordinary creature, with original and important opinions, unique history and singular perspective. I imagine that everyone feels this way at times. As children, we understood that our self was the center of the universe. I think most of us don’t outgrow that idea as well as we should.

I also acknowledge what a wiser man than me said “there is nothing you can do that can’t be done… It’s easy”. I am not unique because there is no part of me or my history that has not occurred before or will occur again. In the totality of time and space, I am not special. However, I am not the me I was yesterday. I will be a different me tomorrow. Imagine how much change can be made in 5 years time. In the totality of my singular life, I am different and special everyday.

My life has been riddled with paradoxes. I tend to swing like a pendulum from one end of the spectrum to another, spending little time in the middle. It’s made for a complicated life. I have lived a lot in the relatively short years of my life and I think I have interesting things to say. I think the world is made up of unique yet common people living vastly different yet similar lives. I’m interested in the differences. I want to understand how other people work. How their lives flow on a day to day basis. I want to know what it’s like to live outside the universe that is my own mind. But I’d like to share my universe as well. My life has been a journey and these words are the first step on another.