Trouble seeing

I woke up yesterday at 4:30 am in searing and literally blinding pain. My eyes were swollen and what felt like, on fire.

I’m not very liberal with my “number your pain” scale. I’m quite judicious about not using those higher numbers unless necessary. But this was a solid 9. It was a toe curling, can’t hold still, clutching your head between your hands 9.

I went to the Emergency Department. Luckily since it was Independence Day, my inlaws were home to care for the kiddos.  Unluckily, my crying woke them up and as they’ve never seen me cry like that before, they might be slightly traumatized now.

As I was sitting on the ER bed rocking back and forth, trying to keep from scratching my own eyeballs out, the doctor went into the wrong room so I had to wait an extra 30 mins. In horrific pain. In my eyeballs.

They gave me eye numbing medication finally but I couldn’t take them home with me. They gave me other drops to help me heal and they gave me a narcotic so I could sleep and keep my eyeballs in my head.

That’s all I did yesterday. Cry and sleep and not see anything.

Today I can open my eyes without stabbing pain so I’m following up with a different doctor.

I’m sitting in an eye exam chair and they keep asking me which is better, 1 or 2. These questions stress me out. What if I pick the wrong answer? What if they know it should really be the other one and they know I’m panic answering and my eyes will be screwed up forever?

So they said I could have just really scratched my eye and that’s it. They also said since I woke up out of the blue like this it could be this thing where your own eyelid scrapes off the top layer of cells from the front of your eye. He said it can happen regularly to some people. Recurrent Corneal Erosion. Fuck the hell out of that shit.

I won’t know if I’m a newly minted member of that unlucky group until it happens again.

Please let me be lucky this time. I never want to have self-inflicted-eye-gouge induced pain again.


Explanation of a life

I have been questioning what it is I’m doing here on a blog for the last couple of days. 

What started as an outlet for my (usually) ever changing moods due to my rapid cycling bipolar disorder has become a mishmash of me talking about my life, my pain and my writing. 

Am I allowed to have a blog that doesn’t have a one track mind? 

I just read a blog post by Alex Press (I’d reblog it but I’m not sure the proper etiquette and lack the know how at the moment)  so I’ll just put the link here

It was written by a woman who is sick, like me, with migraines and and brain damage and heart issues (oh my), like me. She also writes despite these things, like me. 

She’s an inspiration and I love following her blog. 

So thinking about what it is I’m here to do, what it is I’m hear to say, it came to me again. 

I’m here to explain myself, to myself and to others who might be interested in understanding or learning about what it’s like to live in my shoes. 

I’m here to give my life structure and form, instead of living everyday without some sort of record of the life I’m living.

 To put myself, my life, my mind, and my atheist stand in for a soul into words. To sum up my life. So I can give it further value than it currently has. 

Explaining is not complaining. 

Sometimes when the pain is too much, when the act of writing about myself seems too presumptuous and narcissistic, I wonder to myself, am I just here to complain about this life that I have? 

Today, I think not. I am still explaining to the world who I am. I can write about my pain without it being a whimper.

 And if on occasion, a whimper is all I have, I accept that as a part of who I am.