Frowning Upside Down

I am still bothered by the incident I posted about yesterday.

One of the biggest reasons I avoid confrontation is because it haunts me for so long. There’s that phrase thin skinned. I am the epitome of thin skinned but not in the way it’s usually meant. I can take criticism and insults and have been through a surprising amount of shit in my life and I can handle it all.

The reason I don’t handle confrontation and the backdraft of confrontation is because I’m too nice. Not on purpose. I’m just built this way.

I’m quick to get over my anger. I’m quick to forgive others. I can’t hold grudges. (except for extreme and rare circumstances) .

So what I’m left with after a confrontation like I had the other day is forgiveness and understanding for the other person. And shame, frustration, embarrassment and derision for myself.

I could have done better. I could have avoided the argument. I didn’t have to escalate or react and having done so was childish and immature. The other persons behavior is justifiable based on any number of excuses that my empathetic nature can come up with. My behavior, because I have a front row view and absolute knowledge of my thoughts and actions, is inexcusable.

I can forgive everyone but myself.

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Staring at giraffes

giraffe

For a long time, I’ve used two categories (among others, of course) to classify people, to better understand how they function and the purpose toward which they use things in their lives.

Uppers vs. Downers

To me this actually references recreational drug use in a parenthetical way, something I’ve never been particularly interested in. But there’s a type of drug that has always been peripheral in my life, through no fault of my own.

I was born on April 20th.

Now if that date jars any thoughts in your head, you’re probably thinking

“Hey, that’s Hitler’s birthday!”

OR1

“Hey, 420. Sweet man.”

Or some version of the same.

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My No Med Journey

EDITED AND REBLOGGED FROM MARCH

I haven’t felt like myself this year.

After missing one of my medications for a little while, I noticed some changes. After missing a different medication for a little while, I noticed additional changes.

Then I stopped taking three of my medications. I’ve stopped my anti-depressant, my mood stabilizer and the hardcore sleep medication I take for Narcolepsy. (Just on that note, I’ve been sleeping better off the Xyrem! I think I developed a tolerance)

I’ve been off the mood meds for 2 and 3 weeks. This might sound dangerous but while I initially made these choices subconsciously, there is a good reason for it.

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