Frowning Upside Down

I am still bothered by the incident I posted about yesterday.

One of the biggest reasons I avoid confrontation is because it haunts me for so long. There’s that phrase thin skinned. I am the epitome of thin skinned but not in the way it’s usually meant. I can take criticism and insults and have been through a surprising amount of shit in my life and I can handle it all.

The reason I don’t handle confrontation and the backdraft of confrontation is because I’m too nice. Not on purpose. I’m just built this way.

I’m quick to get over my anger. I’m quick to forgive others. I can’t hold grudges. (except for extreme and rare circumstances) .

So what I’m left with after a confrontation like I had the other day is forgiveness and understanding for the other person. And shame, frustration, embarrassment and derision for myself.

I could have done better. I could have avoided the argument. I didn’t have to escalate or react and having done so was childish and immature. The other persons behavior is justifiable based on any number of excuses that my empathetic nature can come up with. My behavior, because I have a front row view and absolute knowledge of my thoughts and actions, is inexcusable.

I can forgive everyone but myself.

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Editor Fall Out

For the last 36 days, my life has been kind of a mess. I’ve had a flicker of inspiration that  I tried to keep alive. When I had words, I pored them all into my screenplay. I was sick a lot and there were many days that I had no words at all. I’ve watched a lot of TV and movies in the last month. When I was tired and empty but felt productive I focused on my other creative outlet, crochet. Yes, I’m 35 and I crochet. I’ve been making a grannie square afghan for over a year and I’m a few rows from being finished. That at least gave me a sense of accomplishment. The last thing that has filled my days has been trying to find a new home for my family. It’s been very hard and very discouraging. There might be places in the U.S. where I can get a two bedroom apartment (we should really have a 3 bedroom, one for each kid) in a good school zone for $800 a month but it’s certainly not anywhere in fucking Utah. We’re planning on leaving Utah soon but can’t yet. More on that another day.

So it’s been a rough month. I have been sick a lot. There have been more days than I can count that I didn’t get out of bed. My pain has been terrible, I’ve been exhausted without relief and mostly in despair with small glimpses of hope and at the very most, okayness. Once in a while I would have days that weren’t just complete shit.

At the end of May, I’d done so much work on my screenplay that it stood at 90 pages. It’s almost done. But there was still some stuff missing and no matter what angle I looked at it, I couldn’t figure out what it was. So I turned to my editor.

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Dead tired but GotGVol2! 

I had two great and busy days and then today I died. 

I’ve spent 98% of today curled in a ball with some variety of words in front of my face. 

Just so tired. And braindead. 

The previous two days were good. I wrote new scenes both days. (Progress!)  I didn’t hate everyone. I actually did things. I even left the house. 

I went to Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 last night and it was fucking perfection as I expected. I was of course wearing a Star Wars shirt for May the Fourth. I kind of felt like I was cheating but it was worth it. 

Vol 2 had one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time as kind of a minor theme and I was stoked beyond belief. 

Those movies give me life. 

I’m out of words now. Off to bed. 

Running a marathon in bed

I’m having a shitty health day. 

I slept from 10pm to 2pm. I’m still tired. 

When I woke up, I tried to stretch my legs. Still laying down, just moved my legs, and my heart rate jumped to 120.

Fuck. I knew right then nothing is getting done today. 

For days like today, I keep bottles of water and granola bars by my bed. I get up to go to the bathroom and then I go right back to bed. Laying down. Sitting up makes my heart work too hard. 

When I stand to go to the bathroom, it’s 50/50 I’ll pass out because my heart rate jumps to somewhere around 160 and my blood pressure plummets. So I stand slowly, leaning over on the bed for at least a minute so my heart and blood pressure can even out a little. Just enough so I don’t pass out and get another concussion. The whole thing is exhausting.

Just sitting/standing up can feel like I’ve run a marathon. 

Just writing this has triggered a headache. So I’m having a sick day today.  

I’m pissed, let’s have a beer.

I have been angry all day today.

I can’t say I didn’t have some reason to wake up angry. Waking up moist from your son sleeping with you in a very wet diaper because your husband didn’t change him before bed, would probably make anyone a bit testy. I mean it’s pretty gross and really uncomfortable. But it usually doesn’t bother me for very long. So that’s not why.

I have never been a very angry person. I’m more, temperamentally, what you’d call chill, or easy going.  I went 28 years without ever saying the words “I am mad”. I will admit, for a very long time I was non-confrontational but a big part of the reason why was because I don’t get mad very often.

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Aside

Lalaland: Depressed

I just watched Lalaland for the first time. 

This is not a review of the movie but a review of myself through the medium of the movie. 

I’m not sure I liked it. 

I watched it partially from an analytical viewpoint to process the screenplay and compare it with what I’m learning. That might have taken some magic out of it. 

I discerned from watching the movie, that I am still kind of cranky. I wasn’t awed by its beauty. I wasn’t swept away by the whimsy. I usually would be.  I wasn’t overcome all nostalgic for a throwback to a period of musicals I watched and loved growing up. I usually would be. I didn’t find either Ryan Gosling or Emma Stone attractive. I usually would do. I was hardly excited at all when Emma’s character was from Boulder City Nevada, where my grandmother lived and I spent most of my childhood holidays. I’ll be excited about it later, maybe. 

So all is still not right in my mental world. I’m doing better but I haven’t gotten my equilibrium back yet. This no mood medication journey I’m on is definitely a struggle. But I’ve been through worse. 

I’d  really like to enjoy things again. That’d be super nice. Is that too much to ask for? 

That being said the acting was great and the music was cool. 

I’ll watch it again when I’m happy. Maybe I’ll like it then. 

Motivation is a panic inducing bitch.

I’m feeling panicky today.

Not so much anxious as restless.

If I’m sitting, I should be standing. If I’m laying down, I should be walking around. If I’m watching a TV show, I need to be doing something else too. If I’m not doing anything, I should be writing.

It’s not anxiety it’s fear of missing out induced panic.

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