For the last 36 days, my life has been kind of a mess. I’ve had a flicker of inspiration that I tried to keep alive. When I had words, I pored them all into my screenplay. I was sick a lot and there were many days that I had no words at all. I’ve watched a lot of TV and movies in the last month. When I was tired and empty but felt productive I focused on my other creative outlet, crochet. Yes, I’m 35 and I crochet. I’ve been making a grannie square afghan for over a year and I’m a few rows from being finished. That at least gave me a sense of accomplishment. The last thing that has filled my days has been trying to find a new home for my family. It’s been very hard and very discouraging. There might be places in the U.S. where I can get a two bedroom apartment (we should really have a 3 bedroom, one for each kid) in a good school zone for $800 a month but it’s certainly not anywhere in fucking Utah. We’re planning on leaving Utah soon but can’t yet. More on that another day.
So it’s been a rough month. I have been sick a lot. There have been more days than I can count that I didn’t get out of bed. My pain has been terrible, I’ve been exhausted without relief and mostly in despair with small glimpses of hope and at the very most, okayness. Once in a while I would have days that weren’t just complete shit.
At the end of May, I’d done so much work on my screenplay that it stood at 90 pages. It’s almost done. But there was still some stuff missing and no matter what angle I looked at it, I couldn’t figure out what it was. So I turned to my editor.
He is a friend from high school that I reconnected with on Facebook. He was a journalist for 8 years and is currently pursuing a career as a self published comic book writer. I’ve edited for him and he has been “helping” me. His first bit of advice, to dig down really deep, to connect with my shit and to get that out onto the page, was actually really helpful. I did that and it really put some soul into my story.
So I sent him my script and he said he’d “love to help”. I put myself on a short hiatus while I waited for his feedback because I didn’t know where else to go with the writing and I was hoping that some down time would help me feel better.
I have been patiently waiting for two weeks for his response. It finally came, last night and today and I’m fucking floored. And astonished.
It didn’t go well at all and not for the reasons I was expecting. And damn it, I’ve got the receipts. I’m posting our conversation here on my blog because I’ve got to get it out of my head. And also, I’m an amateur when it comes to confrontation and I’m hoping for some perspective.
He messaged me last night, right when I was about to go to sleep. I’d taken my medication already and it makes me kind of loopy. Looking back I should have asked to wait until morning but I was impatient.
He’s not a very patient dude, he types super fast and I had a hard time keeping up with him. There has always been kind of a communication disconnect between us like we weren’t speaking at quite the same frequency but I took care to account for that and try to be clear in what I said.
I was looking for actual editor advice. What kind of plot elements were missing from my story, was my dialogue clunky, etc. But I would have settled for, I didn’t like it, start over. But this is what he gave me.
Just some more dig deep and face your fears lines that I can’t do anything with. Now you’ll see that I mentioned my suicidal tendencies have ticked up the last two months. That is true. I’ve been having a really hard time. But I’m in therapy and fully conscious of the severity or lack thereof of my suicidal inclinations. I’m not in crisis but an easy exit out of this life has crossed my mind. I’m safe, is what I’m saying.
This section confused me. I wasn’t following exactly what he was getting. His comments didn’t seem to follow. I’m still not sure what he was getting at.
And here’s where I get completely lost and frustrated. It’s like he’s just spouting shock and awe statements at me. What is the fucking point of that. But I’m trying to understand.
I’m trying to explain to him that I have no fucking idea what he’s talking about (in my own way) and then what happens? He starts insulting me. In very pointed and personal ways. I gotta admit, I’m not a crier but a couple of those lines made me cry. I couldn’t believe it. And I’m not good at reacting well during moments like this so I waited for a bit, tried to calm down and responded. Just one line and then I shut it down and tried to calm myself down enough to sleep. This afternoon I collected myself for a more reasoned response and wrote him again.
And here is where he unfriended me and blocked me. HE unfriended ME! I thought about it for a second last night but decided we could figure this out like adults. Obviously not. And he blocked me so I couldn’t respond.
Now it takes kind of a lot to get my blood boiling. I can find it in myself to excuse a lot of behavior because I understand human behavior and can empathize with most motivations. It’s kind of a huge part of my personality. So I don’t get mad very often. But this fucking made me mad. He was rude to me. He dragged me through the dirt and I’m fucking polite to him. And HE UNFRIENDS ME? What the actual fuck?
So I’m not much of a fighter. I’m a calm down and discuss things rationally. But I couldn’t leave it at that. So I emailed him.
So I might have gotten a little carried away. Or not carried away enough. Or I might have given him exactly what he deserved. I’m not sure. I’m open to opinions on that though.
I can’t believe that a grown ass man would behave this way. What fragile fucking masculinity. I’m disappointed and disgusted. Is that too much? Not enough?
I’m trying to get a gauge on this situation because I can’t always trust my feelings. That being said, my feeling aren’t invalid. I feel them therefore they are. And boy, did I feel fucking mad.
One of the bigger reasons I’m posting this is to get it out. Out of my head, out of my heart, out of my body, out of my life. So now I feel a lot better.
But I’d love to hear from you. What are your thoughts?
P.S. Now I have to find a new fucking editor.