I’m really having a hard time keeping it together right now. I’ve been waiting for 5 months for the letter that came today, and it broke my fucking heart. My husband’s disability case was denied again. He hasn’t worked for almost 3 years and has been applying and appealing and we’ve been struggling that whole time.

I’m fucking sick of it. It’s hard enough that we have to live with my in-laws (for 2.5 years so far) because we need their help. It’s hard enough that my husband and I run on entirely different shifts so we hardly ever have time for ourselves or each other. (The last time we had a date, we saw Deadpool in the movie theaters) It’s hard enough that we’re both ill, and most of our lives consist of taking care of the kids and making it to the next day. It’s hard enough, living in limbo, waiting for our lives to continue normally or at all. But this is just too much.

I read the whole damn denial decision and so much of it isn’t even right. What the fuck do we pay a lawyer for if she can’t even get the information into the case right?

There aren’t even any words for how fucked we are. My father in law is getting so sick he can’t take care of us anymore. My in-laws are broke from helping us out. We are basically at the end of our rope financially and so far in debt. My kids live in the living room! I don’t know what we’re going to do. We can’t live here anymore. But we can’t go anywhere else.

Oh, my god, we are fucked. fucked. fucked. I’m trying really hard not to cry right now because my 7 year old needs my help on her math homework and she’s already in therapy because she’s stressed out. And I can’t lie down in a puddle of tears and hopelessness because I have to take her to ballet lessons (her Christmas present) in 2 hours.

I’ve been trying to stay optimistic this whole time because it helped keep my head above water. But now, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

Shit, but I have to hold it together for my family. I can’t even vent to my husband because he takes so much responsibility for everything that it would just make him feel worse. I just want to scream, I’m so angry and disappointed and frustrated and helpless.

I just want someone to hear me. I want someone to acknowledge my pain and desperation. I want someone to tell me that it will be alright and that I don’t have to be strong right now. But that’s what I do for other people. I have no one to do that for me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck.




2 thoughts on “Denied

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